To all the guys, I'm sorry.

Every time I see a boy's name pop up on my phone, I lift my guard up. Actually, it’s in general. Whether it’s a boy, a friend, my mom, my dad, or a family member. I mean, after all, my dad is the first male that ever hurt me, and my mother is the source of my insecurities. If my parents were able to damage me, I think everyone has that power over me. And so, I put this barrier up that keeps me from feeling. But there are these moments where I’m so sick of being robot-like that I’ll drop it, and I’ll forget to lift it back up, or it would be too exhausting because at the end of the day, I’m human, I have to feel. And it’s when I don’t put that guard up that I find myself beating myself because I felt something. But can I actually be mad at being human? But when I feel, I feel. It’s not small. It holds power over me. That person has a chance to hurt me, and where I’m at in life, I don’t think I can handle any more pain, not if I want to stay alive. And so, I’m sorry to every guy that I’ve left on open, to every guy that I turned dry to mid-convo, to every guy that I was dry with at the start. You just have to understand I’m scared to drop that guard. I’m scared of fully feeling. It’s probably something I’ll never be able to do, but I don’t think any girl can at this point. Sorry not sorry, I come first.