Letter To Self, Day One (07/18/2024)

I'm seeing a life coach to help me overcome my grief. I write 3 letters a day. One to God. One to myself and one to my Gido. Sharing them with you is not easy... I've learned over the years that I'm never the only person going through something. I share this because someone out there feels or felt this way. If my hardships can help ease yours then I will share my story no matter how hard. Don't pity me... just be gentle.

Dear Adult Me,

It's your child self. In therapy, I learned that the adult yostina is supposed to be emotionless. She's supposed to protect child me. She is the one who thinks logically. The child's yostina is the one that processes and feels emotions. She's the one that makes up my personality. I also learned that adult yostina and child yostina fought. I learned that they don't talk to each other. Adult me tries to stay emotionless, but child me feels too much to keep bottled up. Right now, the adult me is buried. The child in me doesn't know how to feel. She's so sad. I'M SO SAD. I hate crying, but it's the only thing I know how to do now. Where is the adult me and her protection when child me feels so sad that she doesn't want to be on earth anymore? HOW IS THAT PROTECTION? Where are all these tears coming from? I'm supposed to make you guys friends, but I don't know where to start. I don't know how. Adult Me has been dormant for a while. This letter is not supposed to be depressing or sad, but recently, it's been the only thing I genuinely feel besides numbness. I'm so tired of faking happiness. But I'm also so tired of crying. I NEED YOU!!!! I need your protection because our protection (gido) is gone. My life coach told me I felt unsafe. And I didn't realize it before she said it, but I do. I need you to wake up and protect the child in me.

She's seen so much. She felt so much. She doesn't think she can handle it anymore, but she can. She needs you. I need you. 

Sincerely, your childhood self.