Letter To Self, Day Ten (07/27/2024)

Dear adult me, 

You and I last connected a while ago. So, I will tell you things that make me proud of you. I'm proud of you for putting on a brave face. I'm proud of you for not showing your pain. I'm proud of you for trying to be happy. I'm proud of you for not seeking attention for your grief. I'm proud of you for talking about Gido and not crying. I'm proud of you for not choking on your tears when you think of him and want to sob. I'm proud of you for not letting the depression set. I'm proud of you for protecting me and trying to find the positive when life's filled with negatives. I'm proud of you for being Delulu. I'm proud of you for ___. I'm just proud of you, okay?

Because you're protecting me, you're making sure I'm okay. I ask that you give me room to feel. Room to cry. Room to be depressed. Room to process all the emotions. I'll do it behind closed doors, but we can't be numb. We can't lose ourselves. We have to work together. You, my brave face, but how long can I pretend with you? Let's try to feel and to handle. Let's not bottle it up anymore. Let's try to bring back our normal. Let's try to be emotionally healthy again. You're my girl. 

PS. As I came to change types of music to write Gidos's letter, Life Is Worth Living by Justin Bieber came on. After our most recent "attempt," this is exactly what I needed to hear. It doesn't seem like it now, but one day, life will be worth living AGAIN. I need the time to salvage me. It's moments like these that I say God is good. All the time, God is good.

"even in the midst doubt, life is worth living. Life is worth living, so live another day… life is worth living again x2." 

Have we had it worse? Or is this our worst?

"I'm working on a better me."

"only god can judge me." 

"another day."

one day at a time. Just till tomorrow. 

Love, your child self