Letter To Self, Day Six (07/23/2024)

Dear Adult Me, 

Hey girly. Today has been a roller coaster, no? It is fair to say that both of us are exhausted. The world was extra loud today. I haven't been lost in the nose of the world since I started taking Lexapro, and yet here I am. It feels weird because as much as I craved the silence I've had recently, it's nice hearing the noise that wheeled me before; it's comforting. It's my normal. I can almost feel an anxiety attack coming. See, for some people, it's a full-on attack. Shortness of breath, sweating, crying, etc., but for me, most of the time, it's just an overwhelming amount of worry that makes it hard to breathe and want to sit down. Right now, my chest is heavy. I want to put my head down, but I can't handle the eternal noise. I replaced it with external noise, but now everything feels too loud. I want to scream. I want to rip my clothing off. I feel out of place; I feel helpless. In moments like this, I'm not sure who's in control. Adult me or child me. 

Thinking about it, maybe it's a panic attack and not an anxiety attack. I started having panic attacks after Gido passed away. My doctor said it was a part of grief and anxiety combined. My life coach said it's because I no longer feel safe in the world. I crave a warm hug. I crave a hug of love. I craved a good cry in someone's arms. I'm tired of being my one crutch. I'm tired of the noise. I'm tired of being overwhelmed. 

Love, your child self