Letter To Gido, Day Ten (07/27/2024)

Dear Gido, 

Mom said, "Inta hasis bina," you know? I HOPE SO. I hope you feel the pain I'm in. I hope my depression hits you like a truck the way it hit me. If you truly are "hasis bina," then I don't even have to explain how I feel. But in case that's a myth, here's how I feel. I feel like I'm hollow. I'm empty. There is a giant hole. I feel tired. Tired of life, tired of people, tired of breathing, tired of missing you, tired of therapy, tired of being awake, and tired of being asleep. I'm so done. I'm drained. I'm dead but alive. I don't even have the words besides empty on all levels. I feel like there is no way out of this. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like nothing will ever help. I don't have enough in me to care about ANYTHING. It's all pretend. I'm tired of pretending. Recently, I've started blaming everyone for your death. If Mike didn't get married in Egypt, if Mike didn't make you go if the hospitals were better, and if they had the devices we have, if they have the education we have. If Mina wasn't so stubborn about leaving your body in Egypt. if they didn't leave you home alone. If you just fought. If you fought for me. If you had the will to keep living, if you thought about what your loss would be for me, and if God really loved me, if I had gone to Egypt with you. It sucks without you. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I need you. I need you, and you're not here. Heaven or hell, I'll follow you. It's not an eternity of misery if I'm with you. I will follow you to the ends of the earth. I will be reunited with you. I will see you and hug you one more time. You're the only person that ever truly loved me. You're the only person I ever truly loved. So yes, I hope you can feel my pain. I hope you can feel the damage you caused. I hope you are happy because I'm not. I never will be, not without you. 

Love, your Tata