Letter To Gido, Day Six (07/23/2024)

Dear Gido 

Your death gave me panic attacks. I remember the first one, which was really bad. I was having a boy over. I went to get him from his car, and as we walked towards my dorm building, I went quiet. I felt an attack coming. I thought it was anxiety. Usually, I don't get anxious over this because I don't care what people think, but here I was. he asked how my day was going as we got in the elevator, but I couldn't respond. My body and mind were in freak-out mode. He didn't know, and I didn't know how to tell him. It's times like this that I need someone to hold my hand. Or hold me. But I didn't ask. I didn't want to be his problem. I waited for it to pass, but it was no longer back to normal. I had the feeling of drowning in my mind. 

The second one happened shortly after. And then again and again and again. I'm having one again right now. I feel like I'm stuck underwater, trying to come to the surface and grasp for air, but I can't. I'm stuck. There's a stone tied to my leg, pulling me under. It makes my head hurt. It makes my chest feel heavy. I hate the feeling 

I hate what your loss has done to me 

I miss you. I'm not the same without you. 

I'm not sure what to do now. 

Love, Your Tata