Letter To Gido, Day Four (07/21/2024)

i skipped day 2 and day 3... oops... dont tell my life coach

Dear Gido, 

This is the hardest letter to write. I'm not sure what to say. How to feel. I'm not sure that I'm okay with writing to you instead of talking to you. School went terrible after you died. I didn't go to class. I didn't go to meetings. I drank. I smoked. I threw myself into boys. I tried finding things to numb the pain. Things to fill the void. I feel this void all the time. The only thing that can fill it is you. They say God can too, but I don't want him taking your place. It's your spot. It will forever be empty. I miss you. I miss you so so so much. I never doubted for a second that you loved or were proud of me. I knew you were. You said it all the time, but even without your words, the way you looked at me, the questions you asked, and the picture of me you kept in your safe. I was your baby. I'd like to think I was your favorite. I'm not sure how to live without you. I'm not sure that I can or want to. I love life; I want to live a long one. I want my career, more tattoos, to live my life, and to meet someone (maybe). I want it all. I want whatever life can offer me to the max. However, when I think I have to do it without you, it makes me want to cry. It makes me question if I love life so much that I would rather live than join you. I'm not suicidal; I just have suicidal ideation. I miss you. I really, really, really need one more hug. I need to hug you, knowing this is the last time I'll feel your warmth and love. One last chance to tell you I love you and hear you say it back. one last moment to cherish. One more time, I want to remember the last words we exchanged. I wish you called me before you passed. I wish I called you. I never did that enough. I am thankful for your voicemail, though. Now I won't forget your voice. I'm just afraid that I'll forget how cold your skin was. Or how soft it was. or the sound of you going up or down the stairs. Or the commentary of me driving. Or the weird Arabic music you have always played. Or your warmth. I loved your presence. I loved everything about being around you. I love you. You were my person. Keep watching over me, okay? 

Love, Your Tata