Letter To Gido, Day One (07/18/2024)

I'm seeing a life coach to help me overcome my grief. I write 3 letters a day. One to God. One to myself and one to my Gido. Sharing them with you is not easy... I've learned over the years that I'm never the only person going through something. I share this because someone out there feels or felt this way. If my hardships can help ease yours then I will share my story no matter how hard. Don't pity me... just be gentle.

Dear Gido,

I can't breathe without you. When you first died, I was angry at you. You left your baby. You left the little child you raised. You left your oldest granddaughter. You left me. You rested and made me suffer. Life without you has been terrible. My reason for living is gone. The person I always wanted to make proud is gone. Every morning, I wake up and realize that you're not here. It is the worst morning ever. It feels like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stepped on. I feel empty without you. I need you to come back.

I want more hugs. One more "I love you," one more kiss on the cheek. One more action movie, one more sleepover, and one more time to play doctor with you. I want to read papers and pretend I know something about the law. I wanted you to walk me down the aisle. I wanted you to have my first dance with me. I wanted your opinion on everything. I want to hear you confuse my name. I want stories about when you were young and drunk. I want to listen to your laugh. See your smile. I want to get accidental Facetime calls. I want to live in the same place as you. But I can't because you left. You were my entire family in one person; you were my safety and my comfort. I feel nothing without you. Every night, I pray to Jesus that I will be with you in death instead of waking up in the morning. All I have left is beautiful sunsets and a voicemail you left me. All I have is the memories but the reality that I'll never make more with you. Please send me a sign that you are still there. That you are with me. I miss you. I miss you every moment I'm awake. I miss you all the time. Abouna dreams of you; let me see you in my dreams, too. Let me get that moment with you. 

Till tomorrow

Love, YOUR Tata.