Letter To God, Day One (07/18/2024)

I'm seeing a life coach to help me overcome my grief. I write 3 letters a day. One to God. One to myself and one to my Gido. Sharing them with you is not easy... I've learned over the years that I'm never the only person going through something. I share this because someone out there feels or felt this way. If my hardships can help ease yours then I will share my story no matter how hard. Don't pity me... just be gentle.

Dear God, 

I'm not sure where to start. Six ish years ago, I was mad at you. I was going through so much emotionally, and it felt as if you had left me. And then, I went to Kenya for the first time, and your presence was overwhelming. For the first time in my life, I finally felt your presence. And it lasted a while after the trip. I woke up daily and knew for a FACT that you were with me. But somewhere, sometime after that, your presence grew quieter. I can't blame you for that because, at that point, I had stopped talking to you as often. But still, I felt content. I knew you were there.

We were on good terms. And then you took my best friend. You took my safety. You took the one person you knew I needed. Lord, I prayed. You knew. You knew how important he was to me and that my biggest fear was losing him, so somehow, you decided to take him anyway. I still believe that you are there, but I'm too mad at you to talk to you. if a loving god can cause so much pain…. I can't thank you. I can't be happy about what I have. I can't see the positive or the good anymore. I'm just in the grey. Emotionless… except for sadness. They say when you are going through hardships, it's when you turn to god, but for me, it's when I walk away from you. I can't even describe my anger towards you. Why. Why would you?

Why him? Why now. I never once considered leaving the faith, and I never will, but I don't wanna talk to you right now. Pope Shenouda said to argue with you and fight, but I have nothing to say. I have no words for the pain you caused. All the progress I've made is gone. It's worse. I can't even find it in me to love myself anymore. The tears don't stop coming, and unfortunately, I don't want your help right now. I felt so hurt that I needed to walk away. It's like "when you want something done right, you do it yourself" or removing yourself from people that hurt you. THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I want you to take a step back from my life. But you've done something unreversable. You did the one thing I asked you not to do. You took the one person I asked you to keep. It makes me wonder whether you listen to prayers. You created a hole in my life. And I don't want you to replace it with something other than Gido. You didn't even give me the chance to say goodbye.

You could have made me go to Egypt with him. or talked to him on the phone one more time. He was going to visit me when he came back. YOU KNEW THIS. You didn't give me one last moment. One last memory. One last chance to tell him I love him. You didn't even let him die in the US, where we could visit him. You didn't even make it so that we could attend his funeral. I felt hurt. I'm mad at you. I don't have the words for you. I don't want to talk to you now. I need space. I need to forgive you because right now, I blame you. I'm sorry. It feels awful that I feel this way, but I do. I need my space. I need to learn to love you and want to talk to you again. I know I should probably pray and ask that you fill this hole. I'm supposed to say that in this moment of sadness and grief, I need you there with me. I need you to heal me. I need you to give me peace and comfort. But I can't. Maybe I don't want to. I can't see how asking the person who hurt me to help me is beneficial. 

I promised I'd do this daily. I'll talk to you again tomorrow. Thank you for listening. Let's hope that you hear what I say this time and not just listen. 

Love, a hurt daughter.