Letter To God, Day Four (07/21/2024)

i skipped day 2 and day 3... oops dont tell my life coach...

Dear God, 

I went to church today… I didn't want to go. Mom said I didn't have to. I didn't see the point of it. I've always hated liturgy, even before this recent anger towards you. If I'm being honest, I only went so Mom wouldn't get mad at me. Or tell me I can't do my nails. Or take my phone away. It's a chore for me. I want you back in my life. I often think of how I felt in Kenya: peace, joy, happiness, and faith almost as big as a mustard seed. Don't get me wrong, I still believe.

I say "God willing," "pray for me," and "thank God," and I believe in your miracles and your saints. Deep down, I believe in it all. But right now, on the surface, I don't want to talk to you. I am still determining what it is. I don't know what's causing it. Am I actually mad at you? or am I just taking it out on you? I talk to my kids about you at camp as if I know you. My faith is so significant to me. But I don't feel that way anymore. Am I fake? I'm too stubborn to ask you to enter my life again. l am too stubborn to ask you to help me find you. Maybe it's because I'm scared. I'm afraid that if I make peace with you, I will have no more sadness or grief left for Gido. I'm worried you'll overwhelm me with peace that I forgot how sad I am over Gido. I don't want that pain to leave. I don't want to be happy when he doesn't walk this earth. I don't know how to proceed. I miss your presence, but not more than I miss Gido. I'm sorry… 

I'm out of words today, and I'm not sure why I'm exhausted. I don't feel heard. 

Love, your broken daughter