"If Only"

this piece is from 2020... i guess im just looking for a way to fill this website up... please be gentle with your idea of this piece, its one of my firsts as a writer 4 years ago.

July 4th was different this year, Isla was indecisive about what she wanted to wear, it felt that no matter what she wore people would judge her; although she was never like that she was determined it was nothing. Heading out she took another glance in the mirror. She stopped and looked a little longer. It suddenly hit her, she didn't see herself anymore, just the things that made her “ugly” or at least what she thought. From that day the darkness grew and the silence at her up, but no one would find out, she would cover it up. Isla went about her day wearing a smile bigger than usual, and when she came to let that smile go, she reminded herself that no one can know, she had to hide whatever this was. In fact, Isla was really good at hiding her “situation”, she refused to call it a problem because she was so convinced it would go away. The only issue was that she's been telling herself that for the past 3 years. And as each year passed she went through more steps hiding her insecurities. From just smiling to wearing lip gloss, and now the mascara. Isla forgot what it was like to actually smile, so what she did do was tie her shirts a little higher and wore pants that outlined her body more. To take the attention of her “smile” she would wear she had to attract more attention to her perfect body. She couldn't keep up with the lying but she had to keep covering it up. In all the noise around her she felt as if she was drowning. Isla and her friends have always been boy crazy, showing up to all the football and lacrosse games, adding them on snapchat, dressing in a sports bra and shorts when working out in the weight room with them, it was their ideal life. Except now, she didn't care, the sound of her friends obsessing over a new guy made her feel lost, as if she lost her identity, she wasnt Isla anymore. She was drowning in the sound around her. The only thing that made everything feel better was music. The world melted away as the music grew louder. And to her that was comfort, a break from wanting to kill herself. The next day at school was harder, she couldn't smile, she couldn't even keep the mascara on her eyes. As she ate her lunch the tears came out of nowhere, the darkness consumed her. She had her answer, today was the day she would take her life today. As she passed Johnson's office (guidance counselor) he asked her if she was okay and right there and then she couldn't cover it up anymore. As she said no her voice cracked and the tears rolled off her cheek. She didn't want to talk about her feelings, it was embarrassing enough that she had to lie to those around her. After one long session Isla heard the words she needed to hear a while ago. She was okay, and she was going to recover. As the tears started to roll Isla asked for a tissue and heard the hardest but realest thing ever. To let go and to move on she needed to cry her emotions out. She needed to get all the tears out of her system. If she got the tissue she would wipe her tears and not cry, and the recovery wouldn't follow. Johnson asked her if they can meet weekly, as she said yes her mind was crowded with thoughts on what people would think about perfect Isla. What would they say? Little did she know but she was on the path back down into the darkness. Isla remembered what it was like being so close to death. At that point she didn't want to go, she fought so hard to survive and to get up, except now she wishes that at that point she let go, and just died. But since she didn't, she decided to listen to Johnson's words ringing in her ear. She was going to be okay, she was going to survive. She had hope.