I was given this prompt in 2019... so much yet so little has changed.

If I could change 2 things, what would they be?

2019

You asked me a tough question. If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be? So here is what I did: I have a little journal I kept since my last “depression” phase. It literally has all my thoughts. In those pages, I have a whole list of things I would change about myself. Now that I go back and reread them, I no longer want to change those things. If everything were in my hands, I would change so much about me. But I can’t find 2 that I want to change over the others. Many people would say the way they look. And yes, I do think about that sometimes... well, more like all the time. The sad part is I’m okay with how I look because other people are. I look at myself in the mirror and say that I’m fat or ugly, but when I see other people and they compliment me, I’m okay with how I look because people accept me and I fit in. I find it very annoying that out of all people, I am looking for a way to be accepted. I thought of myself as a better person than that. The “beauty standards” now are stupid and change all the time, and here I am wanting to change the way I look because for some reason I’m disgusted to look at myself. I feel like I should be satisfied, but I’m not. At this point, you’re thinking that my 1st wish is going to be the way I look. But me being me, I’m going to surprise you, it’s not. You gave me the opportunity to change anything, and here I am unable to think of a single thing I want to change so bad. I’m sitting in my thoughts, and it’s as if I’m drowning. They don’t end, and I’m going to be honest; they aren’t really positive. For some reason, it’s hard to think of something I would change. It might be the fact that the question is ringing in my head. I would be lying if I said I don’t want to change anything. But what? I have no clue.

A few hours later...

Okay, genius idea. I would change my knee. The fact that I can’t run is killing me. Here is my 1st wish. I wish that after snapping my fingers, I can change my knee and be able to run. For some reason, I have a feeling this isn’t the answer you want, but it’s my first wish. You told me that after my 1st wish becomes true, what would I wish for then? If I look deep enough, behind my ego and pride and face the fact that I want to change so many things about me, what would I pick? There are many things I want to do, but for some weird reason, I can’t. Does that count? For example, I want to say hi to the attractive guy. I want to stop getting nervous and insecure around people. Okay, so here is my 2nd wish. My 2nd and final wish is to NOT be insecure. Why? Because it sucks. It’s all in my head, and I know that, and yet for some reason, I still look in the mirror hating myself. I look at myself and think that I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve so many things. I get insecure to the point that I question why certain people talk to me. It’s crazy to the point that I walk in the hallways paranoid, looking at the ground and walking as fast as possible. I want to talk to people and NOT think that I’m not good enough. If I could change one last thing about myself, I want to walk like I’m proud of me and that I accept myself. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and around people. I want to take off the mask. I want to stop pretending.

2024

After reading what I wrote above, I realize that my second wish did come true. I am unapologetically myself. I'm nowhere near insecure. I think I'm more than good enough; I think I deserve the world. I look in the mirror and I absolutely love myself. However, I can still think of a million things I want to change, none that matter enough to mention. It's just important to acknowledge that I've grown.