i’m sorry for making sure i end up alone.

i think about my mental health and i think im broken. no one wants to marry someone on meds for depression and anxiety. no one wants to deal with the symptoms, the side effects. no one needs this added to their plate. no one wants to live a life with me. i’m difficult. i either feel too much or not enough. i have days where i wanna do everything and days where i don’t want to leave my bed. why would i put someone in a position to deal with this forever. if i really love this person i wouldn’t want them to go through this. no one should have to take care of me, i got myself. no kid should have to deal with a mother like this. what if it gets too overwhelming and i stop showing up for my kids. what if there is a monster hidden inside me. what if my mental illness makes me a monster. sometimes i’m too much for myself to handle, i can’t imagine making someone else handle it too. and yes, maybe with someone’s help i’ll be better. but why would i put that responsibility on someone. this is me. this is my head. this is my sadness. this is my anxiety. this is my job. no one else’s. and so as much as i crave to love and be loved, i know that id love too much to let them deal with me. i am a burden. no one’s burden except my own. and the only person i can apologize to is myself.

the saddest part? if someone also struggling with depression and anxiety, if someone else was on lexapro and they told me this. i would tell them they deserve the world. that this mental illness doesn’t make you less. it doesn’t mean you can’t get everything out of life. i would tell them that this is a battle they were given and one they were able to fight. i’d tell them they deserve the world.

but i’m not talking to someone else. i’m talking to myself. you’re a lot harder on yourself. here’s ur reminder to be nice to yourself. stop tearing yourself down.

maybe one day ill take my own advice…