I'm scared... and i hate being vulnerable

I'm scared of feeling too much. I'm scared of that heavy feeling in my chest taking over, I'm scared of the tears streaming down my face. I'm scared because the last time this feeling took over, I was at my worst. I was in a place where I didn't think I could get back up.

I'm scared that I'll go back down and not find my way up, I'm scared that all the healing I've been working on is out the window. I'm scared that parts of me are chipping away again.

At least before I had a reason. At least before this feeling was validated. Why now? Why again?

Isn't 6 years enough?

A little girl, a little girl felt too much too soon. A little girl had her world crumble. A little girl was swallowed by the darkness. 11 years of being alive and she wanted to be dead. 11 years was more than enough. As the years kept coming, her ending seemed closer. She won't make it to 12, but she did. She won't make it to 13, but she did. She won't make it to 14, but she did. She won't graduate middle school, but she did. She won't make it to 15, but she did. She won't make it to 16, but she did. She won't make it to 17, but she did. She wouldn't make it to 18, but she did. She won't graduate, but she did. 19 years later and the past 8 years have been long. They've been hard.

8 years later and she's still not okay. 8 years later and she still drowns. Granted, it's not as often and maybe it's because she healed a little, but also maybe because she went numb.

8 years later and the darkness sneaks back in. 8 years later and she looks for someone to love her because she doesn't know if she can keep loving herself. She doesn't know if she's enough to keep herself alive. 8 years later and she's still not okay.

When will I be? When will the hurting girl inside me stop hurting? When do things get better?

When do I no longer have to worry about the darkness? When?

The heavy feeling in her chest is still there. The tears she cries as she lays in bed still soak her pillows, they still make her eyes heavy. She still cries herself to sleep.

Will the heavy feeling ever go away? Will it get lighter?

I'm not asking to feel happiness. I'm asking to feel less darkness. I'm asking to feel.

I don't know what brings it, I'm not sure what triggers it. But it happens. I'm sick of it happening.

Will I get the life I never had back? Will I finally be in control? Will I ever be able to wake up and stop wondering "Is today the day? If not, when?" ?

Is today the day to die? If not today, then when is the day I die?

Is today the day I get better? If not today, then when is the day I do?

Life's been long. Almost 2 decades in and yet half of it has been a pure struggle, the other half I can't remember.

To a better morning. To not being scared.