i like to walk out on my marriage

PS: This is not a religious teaching or push.

PSS: If you’re not religious, this will probably make no sense.

Here’s my problem:

Now that I’ve tasted God’s grace—His unwavering love, His endless forgiveness—I find myself taking advantage of it.

I’ll be tempted to do something I know is wrong and tell myself:

“It’s okay. I’ll confess. It’ll be fine.”

Like confession is a reset button. Like I’m buying myself permission.

And I know it’s messed up. I see it now. But in the moment, that’s what happens. I tell myself that Abouna understands. He knows I’ve come far. He sees that I’m trying.

So it won’t be embarrassing. It won’t be hard to admit it again.

I almost use his kindness as another excuse.

It’s like I’m comfortable enough in grace to abuse it.

I read “Repentance and Purity” by Pope Shenouda, and he said:

You should feel embarrassed when you sin. That embarrassment is what helps keep you from doing it again.

But I’m not there yet.I’m not embarrassed enough.

I tell myself, “What’s the point of confessing if I’m just gonna do it again?”

But at the same time… I am confessing.

That’s more than I would’ve done in the past.

Isn’t that progress?

It’s not enough, but it’s something.

And I only ever seem to notice the cycle after I’m back in it.

Here’s how my FOC responded:

1. God will never change.

2. It’s not just confession—it’s repentance.

3. You cannot serve two masters.

4. Every time you sin, you crucify Jesus all over again.

5. It’s like the story of Hosea marrying the prostitute—cheating on your relationship with God.

6. When you break a glass and fix it, the cracks still show. Those cracks live in you.(Though this isn’t a reflection of your relationship with God—because see #1.)

7. Sin = distance from God.

So yeah…That’s where I’m at.

Not hopeless.Just honest.

And maybe that’s a better place to be than pretending I’m perfect.

Because the truth is:

I like to walk out on my marriage.

But grace keeps calling me home.