i feel like i keep losing myself

Dear me,

For starters, hi, it's been a while. I used to write a lot. I used to write my stories, my pain, my insecurities, and pretend they were other people. I used to reflect and write. But for some time, the words stopped coming to me. I can't say I was healing because if so, then I would write the happy parts of my story too. The reality of it is that I started living in the in-between, in the numb. There's not much to write when you can barely feel anything. The sadness comes and goes, the happiness comes and goes, but the numbness, the nothingness, that stayed.

I'm not out of the numbness yet; I am very much still there. But after reflecting today, I realized that I'm sick of being numb, sick of feeling nothing. I have so many emotions, but for some reason, all I can feel is the grey.

I don't want to blame my recent realizations on being in the grey, but I wonder if life would be different if I didn't stay in this state for so long. As you know, I've been in a toxic situationship. It was the first time I opened up myself to someone who I thought loved me, to someone I tried my hardest to love even though I couldn't love myself. All the softness and love in me that I kept behind closed doors was now on the surface, all because he asked. I thank him for that. Now I know that side of me exists. But because of him, he made sure I tucked it away deeper than ever, and while it has been my armor, it has also been the very reason why I'm in the grey.

A few years ago, I was the healing version of who I wanted to be. I was bold, loud, friendly, loving, soft, trusting, and so much more. When I saw people eating alone, I would ask them to join my friends and me. When I had something to say, I said it without thinking twice about how people might view me after. I loved hugs and wanted them whenever someone was willing to give them. I shared my story, the good and the bad, because my story made me who I am.

But recently, that version of myself started to disappear. Now I'm the one eating alone because I don't want to talk to people. Now I overanalyze everything in my head, and what I want to say is never heard. Now when people come to hug me, I fear that their touch might make me cry. And sadly, for the first time in a very long time, I've started to avoid mirrors again.

I built a tough shell for myself to live in, one that guaranteed protection from all of the outside, but what that shell did was take away the parts of me that I loved the most, the parts of me I worked so hard to make. I'm sick of being in the corner of the party. I want to be on the dance floor, not on the chair. I want to be part of life again.

I hope the awareness of the situation can help me fix it. I hope I drop some of the armor I'm wearing. I hope that I can return to myself, that I can feel again.

I want to say goodbye to the grey, I want to let go of the numbness. I want to feel again because as much as there was sadness, there was also the beauty of feeling.

I miss myself, and I'm not sure what made her hide, but I can just hope that over this break and time spent alone, that I can find her and bring her back.

The only problem is that I'm currently too numb to care, too numb to try to change. I'm just here.