i don't wanna be like my mom...

I was sitting in the living room with my mom today, and we talked about my little sister's orientation. I had put aside my mom's lack of parenting. It wasn't until she said something that it all came rushing back. Some people aren't ready to parent, and they still do. My mom was one of those. My mom wasn't ready to be a mom. She still isn't. Fifty years old, and motherhood isn't for her. And that's okay. I can't blame her for wanting to but not knowing how. I'm thankful she didn't give us to the system that keeps failing kids. She kept us, and she tried her best. Except her best was nowhere near enough. By the age of 12, I had to raise myself. When I was 6, my mom kicked my dad out of the house because he was abusive and controlling. She did what was needed to protect herself and her two little girls. I don't remember much from my childhood, but this I knew as a fact. When I was 12, my mom got cancer while finalizing her divorce with my dad. Chemotherapy followed by the court wasn't easy, but she did what she had to to keep her babies away from the monster she married. But when she came home, she wasn't ours anymore. She had belonged to the cancer and the treatments. My mom spent the next few years in her bed. She didn't know anything about us. She didn't ask. She wasn't there. Nothing. The woman I knew for the first 12 years was gone. My dad physically walked out on us, but so did my mom. I have to be fair; it wasn't her fault. She got sick. She didn't want this. But when she felt better a few months later, she threw herself into a secret relationship that took up all her time. My mom stopped being mine. She stopped being a mom so she could be a girlfriend. She tried hiding this relationship, but I was getting smarter. She would always be on the phone and take trips and wouldn't care what we did as long as she had extra time. My mom was healthy and walking but not present. A few months later, that relationship ended, and my mom realized the only thing she had left was the two girls she had birthed and abandoned. She came back into our life as if she had never left. She wanted to know where we were at all times. "Who were you with?" "When will I be home?" "What are your grades?" "What's on your phone?" "What are you wearing?" How to talk. EVERYTHING. Her jump into her maternal duties suffocated me. This caused tensions. What is this stranger doing in my life? But she's my mom and was back, so I loved it. I loved it until everything became too much for her. I loved it till she realized we weren't enough for her. My mom needed a punching bag; instead of buying one, she used what she already had. She used me. I don't think my mom ever meant to hurt me, but she did. My mom became emotionally and physically abusive. Then, I stopped calling her mom and started calling her by her first name. To this day, people are baffled, but how can I explain that I can't even remember the time she mothered? When my mom would get mad, she would get into what my sister and I called her "moods". This meant that my mom wasn't in control, but Evelyn was. If you were to look at her face when she entered a mood, you can see the emotion leaving her eyes. You can see the coldness on her face. The darkness would take over my mom. Evelyn would be in control. Most days, I like to forget that Evelyn has two sides. But it's situations like today that I realize this woman doesn't know how to be a mother. This woman abandons, leaves insecurities, beats, and blames her kids for the awful life she's lived. Over the years, I've learned not to be mad at her. She was given circumstances she couldn't change or deal with. But also, every day, I hope that I never turn into the monster of the mother I have. 

Can you guess I have mommy and daddy issues?