Letter To Self, Day Five (07/22/2024)

Dear adult me, 

Thank you. I'm in the mood to say thank you. Thank you for protecting me. I've witnessed firsthand today a child getting overwhelmed and overreacting. Today, we worked together to stay in control. Thank you for being my friend today. I'm proud of how far we've come in the past few days. I haven't been writing, but I'm still having that time with you. Today, I learned how much I really want to break cycles. Promise me that we will never be mom. That we will be different. That we will do better. I'm partially against kids, but I only want them to give them better than what I had emotionally. It hasn't been a bad life; it's just been hard. There is one more favor I need from you, though. Lately, you've been looking for whatever is missing from you in boys: Gidos' warmth, his hugs, his kind words, his heart. You've been looking for another male to replace it. You're looking for someone to hold you and remind you you're enough. Child me wants that. She wants to be thrown into the arms of whoever will give that to her.

As for my emotionlessness and safety, I ask that you enforce our old rule. No boys until you are 100% okay. It's funny to think about it because we were there a few weeks before Gido passed. We were finally there. Things didn't just have to be hu and leave. It could be real. Then Gido dies, and you get attached to the first person who shows you consistency. It wasn't fair to you or him. So promise me that from now on, there will be no relationships. No looking for what's missing on the outside when we can find it together right here. It's time to go back and be cold. To shut people out. To be incapable of catching feelings. It is time to be the only priority we have. It's so hard recognizing myself after Gido died. I didn't need a male presence.

I met people I actually liked and had a consistent fwb situation. Once a year. And then Gido died, and I collected 3 in one semester. That is not who we are. Tinder isn't who we are. We're better than that. We don't look for things to fill our emptiness. This will cause more damage. I ask that adult me stay strong. You know the rules. They work, they are great. The feeling that you can make yourself happy without a man is so satisfying. It's so pleasing. It's empowering.

Let's keep our power. Regardless, I love you, I'm proud of you, and thank you. 

Love, your child self